worship in pain

When anyone asks me "Do I lead worship?" I say "Yes but only in small groups". I really feel that is what God has called me to. I sit right now wishing He had called me to doing the 'big' services/meetings. Why? Because its easier! I have often, very often asked God for opportunities to lead worship, it now feels like one of those prayers I wished I hadn't prayed. About two years ago I lead worship for a group of faithful warriors who were praying for healing for a wife and mother who was dying of cancer. Though the official meeting was held fortnightly a smaller group met each week. I thought it right to continue to call out to God in song and to keep worshiping with them despite the circumstances. The family were given a good few months grace before she sadly died and went to continue that time of worship to her Lord and Saviour for eternity. I found that hard but God gave us all the grace to cope.
For the last year I have been leading worship on a monthly basis at the Healing Rooms at church. They meet 40 mins before the sick arrive and I have always had the most amazing times. Its been a privilege and such a blessing to aid 'healers'(for want of a better word, as it is God who does the healing!) closer in to Gods prescence and they are always up for it. The worship bit only lasts for about 20 mins so after that I pack up my guitar and songs and go home. Recently I was challenged to stay the evening and join the intercessors who back up the healing group in an adjacent room. Last Thursday we had a great time for about 90 minutes. No big prophecies or words of knowledge but still we really felt we entered Gods prescence in a special way. I came away thinking God had really filled that place and for those 90 minutes we had supported the healers in prayer.
On Monday night I received a phone call from one of the other worship leaders asking if I could swap weeks so I lead this week instead of him. I agreed. On Tuesday morning I was told by a regular 'healer' that one of the other 'healers had committed suicide that weekend!!!
So now I am - I don't even want to use the phrase- 'leading worship' for a group of healers who themselves will be broken, confused, angry and upset at the loss of one of their own. I don't understand how I could spend 90 minutes with a couple of other prayer/worship warriors and not have any sense that next door there was a daughter of God one day away from taking her own life. I just had no sense of God leading us to pray, even generally, about the sprit of death or people with suicidal thoughts!
So tomorrow night I am to step up to the plate and say this is what God has called us to. To worship Him despite our circumstances. To 'Come just as you are before your God' that 'He gives and takes away/Blessed be Your Name' and that He is the 'Faithful One' that 'His grace is enough'
Will I hold it together. I am known for my emotional outbursts. I want to be real. I don't want to hide. I just ask for strength to lead and be sensitive in this very difficult time.
For me there is a real sense that she has been stolen from the group. How much more her husband and family!!
If you read this please pray for her family. For comfort and reliance on God, who alone has all the answers.
The intimacy of small group worship can be powerful. I pray that tomorrow this might be a time for healing for the healers and a closness to God none of us has experienced before. We need it.